Ask Humpy
The sex issue.
VOL. 2 ... No. 66. July 17, 2024
Howdy Humpers!
I hope you’re off to a beautiful day.
With all the trouble going on in the world, I am feeling moved to bring back my advice column, which I have now named, “Ask Humpy.”
You may remember my last advice to you was on how to sustain a long-term relationship. Since then, I’ve received hundreds of inquiries (four) from you, my devoted readers. Many of your questions have been on sexuality.
As one of you opined in your heartfelt letter, “You’re cheaper than paying for therapy.”
So, in honor of the beloved Dr. Ruth Westheimer, sex therapist and all-around “shero” who died on July 12th at age 96, today’s advice column will be dedicated to questions about sex. If you’ve never heard of Dr. Ruth, Wikipedia is a good place to start.
At a time when talking about sex was considered shameful, Dr. Ruth spoke truthfully, in plain language, with a joyful humor that was irresistible.
With no claim to Dr. Ruth’s expertise and without further ado, it’s time for —
Ask Humpy . . .
Dear Humpy,
I am 70 years old, and I keep reading about all these people my age and older who claim they are having the best sex of their lives. My spouse and I are puzzled. Are they lying?
(signed) Bewildered
Dear Bewildered,
If they’re having the best sex of their lives in old age, they must have had really bad sex when they were young.
Humpy
Dear Humpy,
My sexual fantasies are becoming too elaborate. I’ve got more players than a football team, and they are all vying for my attention. I’ve had to put them in rotation, and some just aren’t making it onto the field anymore. Just yesterday, one threatened to walk out on me. I told him he was not a free agent. What should I do?
(signed) Tired of the Divas
Dear Tired of the Divas,
You should get the team together and have a frank discussion. Perhaps you are only focusing on your needs. Have you asked them what they want? Try to be more accommodating of their needs.
If that doesn’t work, trade ‘em to me.
I have openings in my roster.
Humpy
Dear Humpy,
Is it okay to have sex with animals?
(signed) Attracted to Ferdinand
Dear Attracted to Ferdinand,
You should consult a veterinarian.
Humpy
Dear Humpy,
I find myself in a confusing dilemma. I have always thought of my “member” as male. I’ve named him Moby (you catch my drift?). But, in recent conversations with him, he has made it clear that he is gender neutral. I’m okay with using they/them as his pronouns, but my wife is not onboard.
She, unfortunately, is a grammarian. What should I do?
(signed) Broad Minded
Dear Broad Minded,
If Moby can rise to the occasion, so should your wife.
Humpy
Dear Humpy,
My boyfriend insists that we do missionary exclusively, but I’m not so sure. What is your opinion?
(signed) Adventurous
Dear Adventurous,
I don’t address questions about religion in this column.
Humpy
That’s all for today, dear readers. With all the chaos going on in our world these days — from gun violence to the devastating heat and a degradation of our natural environment to increasing estrangement from each other over tribalism — I was feeling the need to laugh.
I hope Humpy’s advice gave you a good chuckle. If you’re struggling with issues of any kind and would like more of this excellent “advice,” drop us a note. Humpy is here for you. Be sure to put “Ask Humpy” in the subject line.
Even in times like these — no, especially in times like these — it’s important to laugh. We need it almost as much as we need love.
Until next time . . . Love who you love. Get outside and feel the wind on your beautiful face. Dance to the rhythm of your extraordinary life.
With gratitude,
Janna
When it comes to sex, the most important six inches are the ones between the ears.
— Ruth Westheimer
Did your husband contribute his input?
Thank you, Humpy Landers! This is so well crafted and funny. Adore your writing. :)